My Ideas for "The Walking Dead"

By Jeff Cover


I have a zombie idea. The problem is that I think everyone has probably had enough of zombies.

Therefore, I submit my ideas for upcoming seasons of "The Walking Dead".



1. The Walker Solution

The zombies (which shall henceforth be called "walkers" to conform with the language of the show) are obviously in various states of decomposition. They are being eaten on the outside and the inside by bacteria, fungi, and even insects. However slowly it may be happening, they are wasting away.

In the first season at the CDC, we learned that when the infected die their brain activity ceases for a moment, and then the brain stem is somehow reanimated. The brain stem can control basic movement, interpret sensory input, and only understands hunger (in the show at least. I have no idea about real life). There is no other brain function. None of the other organs are working either. That is why you have to go for the head.

If the walkers are in a state of decomposition, and their brain stem is the only source for their continued existence, then their brain stem must also be in a state of composition, and therefore their existence is temporary. Eventually, bacteria and fungi will kill all of the walkers.

But eventually's not great. Eventually is boring. Maybe someone could work on hastening the process. That someone could take a bunch of dead walkers, remove the brain stem and try to isolate the bacterium or fungus that does the most damage in the shortest period of time. Then that bacterium or fungus could be reproduced in large quantities to distribute to areas with large amounts of walkers. This part would be the most difficult, as one might have to create some sort of airborne distribution method, like smoke bombs or tear gas grenades.

Whoever accomplishes this would have to be a scientist. He or she would need certain resources, such as a lab, proper equipment, subjects (i.e. dead walkers), a secure location, and protection. The only person on the show right now who really fits this description is Milton (the Governor's bespectacled lackey).


2. The Survival of the Human Race

I don't know where I heard this, and I'm not sure if it's true, but this one "fact" is the only thing propping up this idea:

   In order for a species to survive, there needs to be at least 50,000 unique genetic subjects.

The highest concentration of humans we have seen so far in "The Walking Dead" is Woodbury. There are nowhere near 50,000 people living in Woodbury (Milton mentioned that there are about 70 people). Even if the survivors find a bigger, better, more populated colony, the chances of there being 50,000 living people gathered in one place is microscopic. Simply put, there are not 50,000 people in "The Walking Dead".

However, there are millions of genetic subjects. They're just not alive anymore.

No, not zombie sperm. Get your head out of the gutter.

DNA is a surprisingly non-reactive substance. It can stay fully intact within dead cells for years. It's how police can go back to cold cases and use old DNA evidence to get convictions. The human body is made of roughly 100 trillion cells. Even walkers would still be carrying around billions upon billions of copies of their unique genetic code. If a scientist (or more likely a team of scientists) could find a way to convert DNA samples into sperm and ova, they could create test tube babies out of the walkers. They would have to create ova, not just sperm, because there needs to be as much diversity in the female subjects as the male.

Now all of this is damn near impossible. It would require the resources of the CDC, as seen in the first season. Perhaps the CDC has an office that wasn't compromised during the outbreak.


3. The Nuclear Problem

I got this one from one of those Discovery, History Channel, fake education type shows called "Life After People", or some bullshit like that. It was one of those shows that combines stock footage, bad cgi scenes and an uber-serious voice-over actor. This one was a mockumentary of sorts about the world after all of the humans disappear at the same time. It was a ridiculous show based on a ridiculous concept, but hey, it was when we weren't sure whether or not the world was going to end in December 2012.

Anyways, they had a segment where they talked about the existing electrical infrastructure. In particular, they talked about nuclear reactors. This might get a bit technical. It you wish, you can skip the next paragraph.

A basic nuclear reactor is just a kettle with a radioactive substance as its heating element. Steam is generated, spinning turbines which generate electricity. The radioactive substance is elementally unstable, meaning that it constantly gives off energy, usually in the form of heat. Keeping it submerged in water is a way of preventing over-heating, but that water will eventually evaporate. That's why these power plants continually refill the cooling pools with more cold water. If there was no one to oversee that process and something happened, the radioactive components would evaporate their cooling pools, overheat, and eventually explode. And considering that the radioactive materials are elementally unstable, it will be a nuclear explosion.

Long story short, if no one is taking care of nuclear power plants, they turn into nuclear bombs.

There are 104 nuclear reactors in the United States, and most of them are on the East Coast. Our protagonists in "The Walking Dead" are presumably somewhere around Atlanta. Below is a map of the United States with every nuclear reactor marked with a blue triangle. The red circle is where I presume the survivors are.

Fortunately, there are no blue triangles in that red circle. Unfortunately, they are surrounded by ticking time bombs. Unless someone is taking care of these nuclear power plants, the survivors are about to hit some nuclear winter.




So yeah, those are my ideas for "The Walking Dead". Thoughts?


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Ask the NRA!

By Jeff Cover


The recent school shooting in Newtown has spurred a heated gun control debate in the US. Last week the NRA--the National Rifle Association, the most powerful gun lobby in the country--released a statement claiming that it would deliver a meaningful contribution to the gun control debate on Friday, December 21, 2012. It seems like they were banking on an apocalypse.

Executive Vice President Wayne Lapierre delivered a speech in which he proposed a possible solution to school shootings, armed security personnel in every public school.

The proposal sparked a wave of reaction and criticism which I simply can not convey, but the cover of this conservative rag should suffice.

(They managed to call him both a nut and a loon on the front page.)

Wayne Lapierre appeared on Meet the Press Sunday morning to address the criticism leveled against him from all sides, like a gun-owner being buried in a pile of his own guns. A just like a gun-owner would, he defended his beliefs like a gun-owner defending his guns, his many, many guns.

It was on the program that he announced that he would now be writing an advice column, available through syndication in various newspapers nationwide. And guess what? We've got a sample!

Life Advice from NRA VP Wayne Lapierre

By Wayne Lapierre

DISCLAIMER: Wayne Lapierre is not an expert of any kind, as evidenced by any video of him speaking.

Dear Mr. Lapierre,

I work as a bike messenger, but I recently got into a car accident and broke my leg and now I can't work. I don't have any health insurance just yet, and since I didn't get injured on the job I can't apply for worker's compensation. I'm up to my neck in bills and can't go back to work! What do I do?

Jerry from Brooklyn

Jerry,

That sounds like a truly tragic situation. It's always such a shame when someone like you falls through the cracks of the system. Luckily, I have some advice for you. First thing you do is go out to the store and buy a gun. The next thing you do is you bring it home, look at it, and consider buying another gun. Take it from a gun owner, things just seem to go your way when you own a few guns.

The only thing that stops unemployment is a good guy with a gun!

Wayne Lapierre,

Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association

Dear Mr Lapierre,

I'm worried that my husband is cheating on me, but then again, I'm worried I might be paranoid. He just hired a new assistant who is incredibly attractive, and ever since he's been having more late nights at the office than ever. He tells me that his team is working on a major project, and I want to believe him. I don't want to be the kind of person who searches through their spouse's e-mails and such, but I'm feeling tempted lately. Am I crazy, or is there something going on?

Denise from Colorado

Denise,

I love Colorado. It's a great place to own a gun. Just being out there, in the mountains, in the wilderness, with a gun, owning that gun, and maybe having a few more guns and owning them too... it's just amazing.

As for you and your husband, that sounds like a very sticky situation. Before I give you any advice, I must ask a question. Are either you or your husband a gun owner?

If the answer is no, my advice to you is that you go out to the store and buy a matching pair of guns for you and your husband. Best case scenario? You and your husband rekindle your relationship over a common love of gun ownership! Worst case scenario? You and your husband are now protected from any danger which might ever present itself.

If your answer is yes and you already are a gun owner, I have no more useful advice to give you.

The only thing that breathes life into a loveless marriage is a good guy with a gun!

Wayne Lapierre,

Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association

P.S. I just thought of something else! Is it possible that your husband is staying at work late because he does not feel safe in his own home due to the lack of a gun?

Dear Mr. Lapierre,

I just can't seem to lose weight. I've been over 300 pounds since college and just can't seem to do anything about it. I've tried exercises and diets of all kinds, but nothing seem to work for me. Any suggestions?

Farley from Sacramento

Dear Fatty,

First of all, you should have more confidence in yourself. You shouldn't sign your letters with the name Fatty. Come on, man. Have more dignity than that.

As for your weight, you're a hopeless case. If you've been unable to get below 300 by now, it's unlikely you ever will. I'm sorry, but the sooner you hear this the better. You have to face the truth, you're not a runner.

My advice is gun ownership. For your case I suggest an automatic assault rifle. You can't be reaching for a whole bunch of small weapons, they might get caught in a fold and accidentally discharge. You need something that you carry with two hands at all times in order to protect yourself from deadly attackers.

The only thing that gives a fat man dignity is a good guy with a gun!

Wayne Lapierre,

Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association



You can write your questions for Wayne Lapierre and send them to the following address:

National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030 

Or you can fill out the online contact form at contact.nra.org


  
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Politics: Assessing the Size of the NBA Basketball

By Jeff Cover


It's election season. Mitt Romney is running his campaign based on lies and cognitive dissonance, and the Obama administration appears to waiting in the ready position, about to strike like a tiger. And everywhere you turn, everyone seems to be talking about the same thing:

How big can we make the NBA basketball before it starts getting ridiculous?

As far as spacial relations are concerned, pi is pretty important if you want to calculate the volume of a sphere in relation to the radius. (If I had a nickel for every time I heard that sentence on tv this week.) I know pi to about 82 digits. No biggie. I'll show it to you some time.

The relation of a sphere's radius to its volume is represented by the following formula:
V=4/3πr³
Where V is volume and r is radius. Also π is pi. It's 3.14159265358979323846... It goes on. I know more. No biggie.

Anyways, this formula isn't very important for the purposes of this blog entry.

Getting back to politics, during his speech at the Republican National Convention Wednesday night, Paul Ryan claimed that the NBA basketball's radius should be increased by 25%.

Let's test Paul Ryan's theory. Here is a photo of LeBron James holding a regulation-sized basketball.

Now, let's make that basketball bigger by increasing the radius to 125% of original. This would increase the volume to 195% of original.

 Now that ball is almost twice as big, but in LeBron's hands, it doesn't look too big. As much as I disagree with Ryan's policies, I think he might be right with this one.

As expected, Ryan's proposal sent the political world into a tizzy. Many argued that this sort of increase would necessitate an increase in hoop size. Others argued that this hoop increase was not necessary, and that "the basket will sort itself out".

Bill O'Reilly then suggested on his program that the radius of the basketball should be increased to 150% of original size. Here is what the proposed "BasketBill" would look like in LeBron's hands.

Bill O'Reilly's suggested dimensions would increase the volume of the NBA basketball to 338% of original.

But the conversation didn't stop with O'Reilly. During Clint Eastwood's debate with a chair on Thursday, the senile millionaire argued that the radius of the NBA basketball should be increased to 200% of original. I don't need to tell you all that this would swell the ball to 800% of original (volume-wise). Mr. Eastwood's proposed "Mega-Ball" would look like this:

Once Dirty Harry has proposed that idea, people didn't think it could get any crazier than that.

But then, during his speech accepting the Republican party's nomination for President, Mitt Romney claimed that if Barack Obama were re-elected President, the radius of the NBA basketball could be increased to 250%, or even 300%.

Here is a graphical representation of LeBron James holding the "ObamaBall 250". This ball is more than 15 times the size of the current regulation basketball.

And this is the "ObamaBall 300", 27 times bigger than the current ball.

President Obama responded to these claims today, arguing that all of this talk about the size of the NBA basketball were just distracting from the real issues, like the size of a MLB baseball.

Obama also pointed to the fact that Mitt Romney increased the size of the Boston Celtics' basketball when he was governor of Massachusetts.

 


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My Gripes With the JFL42 Toronto Festival

By Jeff Cover


I am a big fan of stand-up comedy. I am also a big fan of the Nerdist podcast. That's why I was ecstatic when I heard that the Nerdist podcast was doing a live episode at the Just For Laughs Festival in Toronto this September. Wow! Great news!

I looked it up, and I thought it seemed a bit complicated, you know, for a comedy festival. One is supposed to buy tickets for the Louis CK show, and then one will be e-mailed a passcode to reserve other spots in the festival. I thought it was a little unorthodox, but I was still excited and still on board. So I bought my tickets. That's when the problems began.

On Tuesday I bought two passes to the festival, and was immediately given access to print the Louis CK tickets. Printing, by the way, is the only way to get the tickets. You cannot pick them up at one of the many TicketMaster outlets, you cannot have them delivered by rush, you cannot have them delivered by mail. The only option is to print them. For those of you without a printer (because who needs a printer these days?), good luck with that.

I expected to be e-mailed the online passcode within a few minutes. You know how these companies are; they always say 48 hours, but it never takes that long. Well, they didn't arrive within a few minutes. 24 hours passed, still no passcode. 48 hours passed, still no passcode. Three days passed, still no passcode. This is when I decided to take action.

On Friday I called the phone number on the website. It was a busy signal. I e-mailed the e-mail address on the website. No one responded. I called the number again. Again, I got a busy signal. I notice that beside the phone number, they've written TicketMaster in parentheses. So I call TicketMaster's customer service line. Guess what? It was a busy signal. So I called the TicketMaster line for buying tickets. Surely someone will pick up there. They did, and managed to transfer me over to customer service. Customer service had no idea about this festival or the passcodes. I had to explain to the representative the unorthodox nature of this festival's ticketing procedure. This was when I began to realize how fucked up this festival is.

Anyways, yesterday, Monday, I spent two hours on the phone with TicketMaster, sent three increasingly angry e-mails to a non-responding address, pestered the JFL42 Twitter and Facebook accounts, and still got nowhere. And I mean, nowhere. I was no closer to getting my passcodes than I was on Tuesday. No matter what I did, I could not get a hold of anyone in the company. My final e-mail to JFL42 threatened to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and Visa (my preferred method of payment).

I guess that worked, because finally, at about 3:00 pm, more than three days after I sent the first e-mail, more than six days since I purchased my tickets, I finally got my passcodes.

And guess what? The Nerdist podcast taping is sold out. Fucking awesome.

I'm not done. Yes, there is more. Because once you get the passcode, good luck going to a show with someone else.

Here's how the festival is supposed to work, in theory:

1. Buy a ticket to see Louis CK
2. Get your passcode e-mailed to you
3. Create an account at JFL42.com
4. Link it with your Facebook account (Facebook is mandatory)
5. Enter your passcode into your account
6. Reserve spots at shows
THEN
7. Download the JFL42 app on your smartphone
8. Get Access to shows using your smartphone app
OR
7. Print off the barcode that corresponds to your passcode
8. Use the barcode to get access to shows


Now some of those steps seem innocuous, but I'm guessing that some of you tilted your heads slightly when you saw steps three and four. You might be thinking "Create an account? To go to comedy festival? That's strange." And you'd be right! It is strange! You also might be thinking "I already have a Facebook account, but it seems outrageous that it would be mandatory." And you're so fucking right. It is outrageous that a comedy festival would require all of its goers to have a Facebook account.

But here's the kicker. This whole unnecessarily complex and convoluted process is made damn-near impossible if you're not planning on going to these shows alone. For one, the passes are supposed to be non-transferable, therefore only one person can enter one passcode into their account. One person can only reserve one spot at any show. One person cannot plan a surprise for someone else. One person cannot buy two tickets to five shows and take different people.

No. Everyone has to do this on their own. Even a couple has to do this separately. It's as if JFL42 is thinking "What do we care if you're a couple? You can't buy tickets together! You have to do it separately like everybody else! Why do you have to do everything together? Do you share the same Facebook account?"

So, it's impossible for one person to buy tickets for two or more people. At least in theory.

Here's what I'm doing. I created a fake Facebook account with a different e-mail address, and I'm not downloading the app, I'm printing out the barcode. And I'm going to transfer that non-transferable ticket like it was going out of style. Why? Because I'm a bad-ass.

Also because I'm the biggest stand-up comedy fan that I know. I don't know anyone who's going to want to come to five shows of my choosing within nine days. But I know someone who will go with me to see Louis CK, and I know someone who'd see Patton Oswalt, and I can probably find another Nerdist fan (if I can get tickets).

In short, it shouldn't be this hard to buy tickets for anything. Ever. Fucking anything.

And I kind of feel bad for TicketMaster. Don't get me wrong, they're still a bunch of greedy, blood-sucking, exploitative, service-charging, corporate motherfuckers over there, but they usually know how to handle tickets. It's what they do.

JFL42, on the other hand, has no fucking clue what they're doing with these tickets. They've managed to complicate something so easy. Why? I'm guessing money.

My guess is that some young recent graduate pitched this idea. He was probably wearing a "power suit" with a really bold colour of shirt and tie. Something like fuchsia or lime green. I assumed he used words like "synergy" and "paperless" and "high-tech". He pitched this idea which would vastly complicate things, but save on shipping costs and deter scalpers. The people hearing this pitch probably loved it. The impressionable young ones might have thought that they were part of a new way of festival ticketing. The older ones probably thought it sounded a little complex, but didn't want to appear non-savvy in front of the younger ones.

So they went with this clusterfuck of an idea.



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A Tribute to Neil Armstrong

By Jeff Cover


Neil Armstrong (1930-2012) has died. This got me thinking about immortality. You know what I realized? Immortality is tricky.

A lot of people have tried to do it the traditional way, by living a long time. They take care of their bodies, eating well, exercising, no more microwave dinners or saturated fats. They try to keep themselves in peak condition to run that marathon we know as life. And these people do a fairly good job. They manage to live eighty, ninety, one hundred years. But then, the body starts to deteriorate like a wet paper towel. Not to mention that being fit and healthy won't protect you from car collisions, gunshots, helicopter crashes, erupting volcanoes, meteors/asteroids/comets, wayward arrows from archery competitions, nuclear explosions, solar flares, kangaroo attacks, and about seven billion more things that can kill you. One thing is abundantly clear:

You can't "outlive" death.

Death is inevitable. It happens no matter what you do. Therefore, people try the "legacy method" of immortality. They try to do something that will be remembered for much longer than the span of a human life.

Whether or not people are aware, almost every person on earth does this. They write stories and songs. They build structures. They have children and make families. They create a legacy which could live on after they die. As far as immortality goes, this might be humanity's best option.

It's not easy, though. It takes a lot of work to be remembered even for a few decades after your death. Just think about how much shit Gandhi and Martin Luther King had to put up with. Those two men were killed because of what they were doing, and now they live on as heroes of the human rights movement. But how long will they be remembered? Certainly not forever. No offense to the Mahatma and the good Doctor, but there have been many revolutionary leaders who became martyrs for their cause, and they aren't remembered forever. Sorry to say, once the next round of martyrs comes around, Dr. King and Gandhi might be relegated to the indexes of history.

So, if Gandhi and MLK aren't going to be remembered forever, and they were martyrs, what does that say about artists and musicians and writers and poets? Surely, some of those creative people will live on in the spirit of humanity forever. Like Bach, and Beethoven, and da Vinci, and Van Gogh, and Shakespeare, and Aristophanes, and Aesop. Yeah, those people might live on forever. But their level of accomplishment is damn-near impossible to achieve. What would it take to write better than Shakespeare? To compose more beautifully than Beethoven? To paint more wondrously than Van Gogh? It would take a hell of a lot, if you ask me.

There are others who have marked their name in history by being a gigantic part of it. Caesar will be remembered as the man who changed the role of the Roman Emperor, and changed the face of Rome. Columbus will be remembered for "discovering" a continent that people had been living on for hundreds of years. Lincoln will be remembered for freeing the slaves. While these are all amazing ways to create a legacy, they're not exactly imitable. You can't change the face of the Roman Empire now, it doesn't even exist anymore. You can't discover the New World for a second (or third) time. Same goes for freeing the slaves (in America, at least. There's other slaves elsewhere in the world that you could free.).

So how will we classify Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon? On one hand, it's hard to imagine how he will be remembered, since his death was so recent, and not enough time has passed to gauge the significance of his life.

On the other hand, Neil Armstrong could have died twenty years ago, and not much would be different. As soon as he was finished at NASA, he pretty well exited the public spotlight. Most of us don't even know what his face looks like. We wouldn't be able to recognize him walking down the street, unless he was wearing that iconic NASA spacesuit.

I wouldn't blame you if this was the only video you've ever seen of him.



But that's all it takes for Neil Armstrong to become an immortal legend. This event took place in 1969, probably before you were born, and you've seen it more times than anything else from 1969, pretty-well guaranteed. You've heard the words so many times. You know the pauses and the blips and beeps in the background.You appreciate the fact that this was a monumental achievement. And you don't have to associate Neil Armstrong with his Barbara Walters interview, his Letterman appearances, or his Rogaine commercial. Neil Armstrong is that video.

You need to know something about me; I am slightly obsessed with the colonization of other planets. I joke around a lot, but I am completely serious when I say the following:

The colonization of other planets should be the number one priority of the human race.

Think about it. The world is constantly under threat of destruction. And I'm not talking about those lame religious apocalypses and raptures and computer viruses. I'm talking asteroids, solar flares, deadly viruses and super volcanoes, the events that killed the dinosaurs and the trilobytes. These things are real, and could exterminate all life on earth in an instant. Having the entire human race living on one planet is, effectively, putting all of our eggs in one basket. Also, the basket is perched on the edge of a cliff.

There are some problems with leaving Earth. First of all, we haven't even reached another planet in our own solar system, let alone a habitable planet. Second, we only really think we know of a few habitable planets in the galaxy. Third, these planets are light-years away, and would require centuries of travel to reach by conventional methods. Colonizing other planets is a daunting task, to say the least, but it was a task begun by Neil Armstrong's giant leap for mankind.

Unfortunately, we were closer to colonizing other planets in 1969 than we are right now. For instance, if we wanted to go to the moon tomorrow, maybe to bury a legend, we wouldn't be able to because we don't have a rocket powerful enough to get there. Most people don't think it's important, I think it's the most important thing in the world.

Here's the spin on the immortal Neil Armstrong's moon landing from the time traveling alien, Doctor Who:

"Now, do you know how many people are watching this live on the tellie? Half a billion! And that's nothing, 'cause the human race will spread out among the stars! You just watch them fly! Billions and billions of them for billions and billions of years! And every single one of them, at some point in their lives, will look back at this man taking that very first step, and they will never, ever forget it."

Make no mistake, Neil Armstrong is as close to immortal as a human can be.

Things I'd Rather Watch Than the Katy Perry Movie

By Jeff Cover


This post was inspired by a tweet from Katy Perry. It goes as follows:

Grab ur bff, gf, bf, wife, husband, sister, brother, mom, dad, cousin, aunt, uncle, cat & bring them to my movie PART OF ME in theaters NOW!  (Via Twitter, @katyperry)

Sorry, Katy Perry. I'm not going to see your movie. I'm certainly not bringing my cat. For one, I don't even have a cat. Secondly, I don't think they allow cats into movie theatres. Maybe there's no specific rule for bringing in cats, but I'm sure the theatre staff frown upon it. Stop promoting bad theatre habits! And what about dogs? I mean, sure, dogs are bigger and would probably be more of a distraction in a movie theatre, but why not mention them, at least?

Another thing, bring my wife and my husband?! I've been trying to keep them apart! Now, thanks to your tweet, I might be involved in some sort of Three's Company situation.

Argh. This Katy Perry business has gotten me all hot under the collar. I am so angry I'm going to write a list. Another anger list.

MOVIES I'D RATHER WATCH THAN THE KATY PERRY MOVIE
 - A musical starring Sylvester Stallone, Tony Danza, and Bruce Willis
 - Betty White's sextape
 - Something starring Adam Sandler
 - A film based on the game Monopoly
 - A movie about Morgan Freeman, starring Adam Sandler as Morgan Freeman
 - Something starring Queen Latifah
 - Disney's version of Machiavelli's The Prince
 - Deuce Bigalo: Space Gigolo
 - Sudoko: Rise of the Grid
 - Something starring Chris Rock
 - Harry Potter and the Conservative Pundit

I'm sure there's more. Send them my way if you think of some.


Why don't you get out of my house?


Our sign-off phrase was sent to us by my Dad, who said this to me after I asked if there was anything to eat.


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What Ever Happened to Elian Gonzalez?

Remember Elian Gonzalez? He was the kid who survived a trip across the Atlantic, from Cuba to Florida, in a makeshift raft, while the rest of his family all died. It was back in the 1990s. It captured the nation's attention for about as long as the nation's attention can be captured.

What happened to that kid?

His Dad, or something, was back in Cuba, and wanted the US to give him back. Trouble arose because his family in America didn't want to give him up. I think it ended with a SWAT team raid, at gun point, to get the kid out of the house.

But what happened after that? What ever became of Elian Gonzalez?

You might be thinking he became a successful doctor in the Cuban universal health care system, healing the people of his country.

You might be thinking he became a professional baseball player, because you can hear an announcer saying "Number Seven, Elian Gonzalez!"

You might be thinking that he became a large drug kingpin, ruling the country's cocaine and heroin trade with an iron fist.

You might be thinking any one of these options, and many more. I could think of a few more options you might be thinking about.

He grew up to be a car salesman, selling 1953 Fords out of a barn (by North American standards.)

He was bitten by a radioactive parrot, and now he has the ability to talk like a parrot.

He solved a riddle in a magazine that was actually US nuclear codes, and was hunted by shadowy government agents, and saved by Bruce Willis.

You might be thinking any of these options. There are likely a few more options.

Elian Gonzalez: "Attorney" at "Law"

Elian Gonzalez: Vampire Detective

Elian Gonzalez: President of the United States

All of these of these ideas are valid options.

But which one is the truth? What is the real Elian Gonzalez doing right now? What is his life like now?

We just don't know. Maybe no one knows. Maybe not even Elian knows.

What ever happened to Elian Gonzalez? That's one for the ages.


Smoke w33d erry day.



Today's sign-off phrase was sent to us by astrophysicist, director of the Hayden Planetarium, host of Star Talk, and apparent pot enthusiast, Neil Degrasse Tyson. Check this guy out. He's the President of the United States. @NeilTyson

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