Monday, December 24, 2012

Ask the NRA!

By Jeff Cover

The recent school shooting in Newtown has spurred a heated gun control debate in the US. Last week the NRA--the National Rifle Association, the most powerful gun lobby in the country--released a statement claiming that it would deliver a meaningful contribution to the gun control debate on Friday, December 21, 2012. It seems like they were banking on an apocalypse.

Executive Vice President Wayne Lapierre delivered a speech in which he proposed a possible solution to school shootings, armed security personnel in every public school.

The proposal sparked a wave of reaction and criticism which I simply can not convey, but the cover of this conservative rag should suffice.
(They managed to call him both a nut and a loon on the front page.)

Wayne Lapierre appeared on Meet the Press Sunday morning to address the criticism leveled against him from all sides, like a gun-owner being buried in a pile of his own guns. A just like a gun-owner would, he defended his beliefs like a gun-owner defending his guns, his many, many guns.

It was on the program that he announced that he would now be writing an advice column, available through syndication in various newspapers nationwide. And guess what? We've got a sample!

Life Advice from NRA VP Wayne Lapierre
By Wayne Lapierre

DISCLAIMER: Wayne Lapierre is not an expert of any kind, as evidenced by any video of him speaking.

Dear Mr. Lapierre,

I work as a bike messenger, but I recently got into a car accident and broke my leg and now I can't work. I don't have any health insurance just yet, and since I didn't get injured on the job I can't apply for worker's compensation. I'm up to my neck in bills and can't go back to work! What do I do?

Jerry from Brooklyn


That sounds like a truly tragic situation. It's always such a shame when someone like you falls through the cracks of the system. Luckily, I have some advice for you. First thing you do is go out to the store and buy a gun. The next thing you do is you bring it home, look at it, and consider buying another gun. Take it from a gun owner, things just seem to go your way when you own a few guns.

The only thing that stops unemployment is a good guy with a gun!

Wayne Lapierre,
Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association

Dear Mr Lapierre,

I'm worried that my husband is cheating on me, but then again, I'm worried I might be paranoid. He just hired a new assistant who is incredibly attractive, and ever since he's been having more late nights at the office than ever. He tells me that his team is working on a major project, and I want to believe him. I don't want to be the kind of person who searches through their spouse's e-mails and such, but I'm feeling tempted lately. Am I crazy, or is there something going on?

Denise from Colorado


I love Colorado. It's a great place to own a gun. Just being out there, in the mountains, in the wilderness, with a gun, owning that gun, and maybe having a few more guns and owning them too... it's just amazing.

As for you and your husband, that sounds like a very sticky situation. Before I give you any advice, I must ask a question. Are either you or your husband a gun owner?

If the answer is no, my advice to you is that you go out to the store and buy a matching pair of guns for you and your husband. Best case scenario? You and your husband rekindle your relationship over a common love of gun ownership! Worst case scenario? You and your husband are now protected from any danger which might ever present itself.

If your answer is yes and you already are a gun owner, I have no more useful advice to give you.

The only thing that breathes life into a loveless marriage is a good guy with a gun!

Wayne Lapierre,
Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association

P.S. I just thought of something else! Is it possible that your husband is staying at work late because he does not feel safe in his own home due to the lack of a gun?

Dear Mr. Lapierre,

I just can't seem to lose weight. I've been over 300 pounds since college and just can't seem to do anything about it. I've tried exercises and diets of all kinds, but nothing seem to work for me. Any suggestions?

Farley from Sacramento

Dear Fatty,

First of all, you should have more confidence in yourself. You shouldn't sign your letters with the name Fatty. Come on, man. Have more dignity than that.

As for your weight, you're a hopeless case. If you've been unable to get below 300 by now, it's unlikely you ever will. I'm sorry, but the sooner you hear this the better. You have to face the truth, you're not a runner.

My advice is gun ownership. For your case I suggest an automatic assault rifle. You can't be reaching for a whole bunch of small weapons, they might get caught in a fold and accidentally discharge. You need something that you carry with two hands at all times in order to protect yourself from deadly attackers.

The only thing that gives a fat man dignity is a good guy with a gun!

Wayne Lapierre,
Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association

You can write your questions for Wayne Lapierre and send them to the following address:

National Rifle Association of America
11250 Waples Mill Road
Fairfax, VA 22030 

Or you can fill out the online contact form at

Send questions, comments, suggestions, complaints, praise, rage/ire to me personally:
Twitter: @TheJeffCover
Or comment below! 


  1. t has been a few month since my husband left home and every time we have the opportunity to talk we always argue. I contacted for a spell to restore my marriage. The following week my husband call me and asked for forgiveness for everything that he had done in the past. This weekend we are going to spend it together with our children to celebrate our anniversary I have faith in Dr Lawrence that He was going to save my marriage. Trust in Him; He has his last word in everything. thanks to !”

    1. Awesome, Denie! Thanks for commenting! Maybe next time, your comment can be related the blog entry. If that is asking too much, perhaps it can be somewhat intelligible. But this is a free county, you can just keep doing what you're doing.

      (The reason I'm replying to this message which is clearly from a spam bot is because if we're nice to machines now, they might think twice about enslaving us in the future.)